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"You kids today! You don't have any respect for your elders!"
"We never had movement like this when I was in video games!"
"All this fun can't be good for you!"
"I bet they wasted half the memory already, just on this section alone!"
"They can't keep this level of graphics up for much longer!"
"We used to be lucky if we got three shades of gray, let alone any real colors!"
"We used to have to survive with a two frame walk!"
"Sometimes our sprites used to change size for no apparent reason!"
"We never had any of this fancy 3-D stuff! Oh no, we had to survive on what we had!"
"And what little we did have, we were happy with!"
"Well, I've never seen anything like it!"
"Enjoy this demo while you can, it can't last much longer!"
"That's right, 4 shades of gray, in a 2x2 character block, that's all we had..."
"I can't play this game, the colors are all too rich for my poor old eyes!"
"Why, even the bananas have more frames and colors than I had in the entire game!"
"Look!...look at this!...as I rock, my beard swings! Waste of frames in my opinion!"
"Aye! That was when we had real game play, that was!"
"And this was developed with the latest state-of-the-art 3D workthingys, was it?"
"The trouble with you kids, is that you're all too soft!"
"The old games were far harder when I was a young 'un!"
"We used to play for hours on a single screen game and think we were lucky, and we were!"
"You wouldn't last two minutes in a real game!"
"I could get through D.K.Country with only one life, easy!"
"I'm talking about when games were games!"
"3 lives and 3 continues, that's all we had!"
"Games never looked like this when I was a lad!"
"And we were much better off in those days as well."
"Bet you thought this was 64-bit eh, boy?!"
"I've got more game play in my little finger than you've got in this whole game!"
"Y'know what they say, all graphics and no game play!"
"32 meg..? That would be more than 30 games in my day, and they'd be great games, too!"
"Back in my days, we used to have real game play..."
"You know what's even worse? When you get to the end, and then have to start again!"
"You wouldn't know a good game if you were in it!"
"A single joystick, and a single button is all that's needed to make good game play!"
"I wouldn't be seen dead in a game like this one!"
"I say you can't better the graphics, sounds and playability of a Game & Watch!"
"So you're back again! I knew a punk kid like you couldn't do the job..."
"That was quick. You didn't leave me enough time to think of any other stupid comments!"
"I don't know why I'm telling you all this, you didn't listen last time!"
"You have to do better than that!"
"You only just left!"
"Back again?! That was quick!"
"Came back to the master for more advice, hunh?!"
"Still got you beat, hunh?!"
"Yup! Don't make game players like they used to!"
"Okay, I'll do the level for you!... Naw!.. Only kidding!"
"I don't know how you dare show your face in here again, after that pitiful performance!"
"That's all folks! There's nothing more I can tell you."
"You know all you need to know, for now."
"Come back and see me sometime, I'll be here!"
"I don't know any more than that at the moment."
"That's all there is to it. Piece of cake if you ask me."
"So long, suckers! Try not to hurt yourself out there!"
"That's all the advice old Cranky here can give you."
"I'm getting tired, I gotta take me a nap!"
"You practically know more than I do, now. Well... almost."
"I don't have anything else to tell you right now, maybe later."
"I could sit here and rock all day, especially if you two leave me alone!"
"I gotta go now, I'll see you guys later... if you're lucky!"
"Well, that's about the size of it!"
"Say, is that the time? I gotta fly."
"I could tell you yarns about the old days all day long!"
"Y'all come back now, hear?!"
"If you get stuck, come back and see me."
"Can't say I expect to see you again, but you might get lucky, I guess."
"It's been nice talking to you guys."
"Eh sonny? Speak up, I can't hear you!"
"Donkey Kong, I've seen enough! That tie-- turn it off!"
"This stereo sound is making my tired old ears bleed! Turn it down before you go!"
"All this game play is too much for me."
"I'm back to my cabin for a nap! Remember the original Donkey Kong? Think I'll go play that... see you later!"
"There's too many baddies around for my liking..."
"I'm off to lie down!"
"I'd ask you in, but they didn't have any memory left to display the cabin interior!"
"Now, off you go!! See if you can't finish this ridiculous quest without my help!"
"Make sure to shut the gate on your way out. I didn't raise you in a barn!"
"See ya later, alligator! Ha! Ha!"
"After a while, crocodile!"
"Well done Donkey my boy! Who'd have thought a young whippersnapper like you could've beaten that bunch of no good Kremlings? You've made an old man proud! Go and look in your hoard, I think you'll be in for a surprise!"
"If I had been playing, I'd have found everything!"
"I'm sure there must be some bonus rooms you haven't found!"
Full Completion Comments
"What a player you are, Donkey my lad! You've beaten the Kremlings, and found absolutely everything! You're nearly as good as I used to be!"
"Congratulations Red Team!"
"Congratulations Yellow Team!"
"You whupped those crafty crocodiles and are first past the post!"
"Whatever happened to the Yellow Team? I guess those guys need more practice!"
"Whatever happened to the Red Team? I guess those guys need more practice!"
"Well, well, well, if it isn't the Red Team! What happened to you two?"
"Well, well, well, if it isn't the Yellow Team! What happened to you two?"
"The Yellow Team finished ages ago! Too good for you were they, huh?"
"The Red Team finished ages ago! Too good for you were they, huh?"
"Look at the fancy box. Look at the size of this instruction manual. You don't think they would have gone to all this trouble of [sic] the game was any good, do you?!"
"You're only reading this because you're bored!"
"I wouldn't believe a word of this! I've been everywhere and I found only two locations, bad ones at that!"
"I can't believe you're still reading this! What you need is a good trashing!"
"Bonus Levels? Ha! Don't hold your breath looking for these, there are none."
"Tired of me? You're lucky I'm here to brighten up this boring manual!"
"Err... Nope! None of these baddies are in! They must have slipped in the wrong instruction manual or something!"
"Does anyone ever actually use these memo pages? Waste of paper if you ask me!"
"Copy?! Who'd want to copy this game?"
Donkey Kong Country 2: Diddy's Kong Quest
"Arrrrgh! This story's even worse than DKC! They're really scraping the bottom of the barrel this time!"
"Look at all these buttons! It's ridiculous, I say! Kids in my day wept with joy if we gave 'em two to press!"
"Bah! The lad had a couple of frames in DKC and now he thinks he's a big star!"
"What's going on here? She should be the damsel in distress, not one of the stars!"
"I've never seen so much worthless rubbish! I'm surprised they don't give you a special 'trash barrel' to haul it all around in!"
"Someone sure has a vivid imagination! I've been everywhere and I can tell you that none of these places actually exist!"
"Visit me first and give me all your coins! I'm far more useful than these other sad-looking bums!"
"I'll wager this shoddy game won't even last three days, so you'll be needing this warranty, I can assure you!"
Donkey Kong Country 3
"So you've reached the bonus game then, have you? It's not a simple game of questions and answers this time though! Now you've got to beat yours truly if you want to win any prizes!"
"You fraudster! I'm off to consult my lawyers about this!"
"Get out of my tent now, you cheeky ape!! Wait till I tell your parents."
Donkey Kong Country (animated series)
"What am I doing here? I could ask you what you're doing here, all of you! But I know - wrecking my vacation, that's what! First bees, then ants, now you and those overstuffed alligators are the icing on the cake!"
"GO HOME AND LET ME GET SOME SLEEP!!"
Cranky: Business? You've got no business going into business! You'll lose your shirt!
DK: That's OK. I don't wear a shirt.
Cranky: Then you'll lose your tie.
Cranky: You're supposed to be at my place keeping an eye on the Crystal Coconut!
DK: Don't worry, Cranky, I took it for safe keeping. It's right over... Uh oh! It was right here a minute ago!
Cranky: Safe keeping, eh?
Cranky: Stop moving ya moron! I'm taking an X-ray of the inside of your head.
Funky: Cool! I'll take an 8x7 and 3 wallet size!
Cranky: The brain's already wallet size.
Cranky: [Bluster] thought we were talking about him and not the X-Ray machine, and now he's trying to weasel his way into the history book by killing all of us with his good deeds. Fat chance.
Diddy: How do we make him stop?
Cranky: With the cherry soda! Right there on the shelf, next to the Super-Sonic Vitapunch pack.
DK: Cherry soda?
Cranky: He thinks he has a fatal disease?
Cranky: All we have to do is convince him that this cherry soda is some new miracle drug that will cure him.
Diddy: Cherry soda's a miracle drug?
Cranky: Of course not! But he'll think so and stop trying to destroy Kongo Bongo by being a hero. Besides, I've been trying to unload that stuff for ages.
Bluster: The BarrelCopter! Mummy'll be livid!
Cranky: Tell her to take a number; I was livid first!
Candy: What about me?
Bluster: What about you?
Candy: I'm livid!
Cranky: You can be livid later; now get this thing out of my house!
Cranky: "Who built the ancient and mysterious temple of Inca Dinka Du?" Now why do you knuckleheads suppose it's called mysterious?
DK: We don't know?
Cranky: Exactly! It's a mystery! No one knows who built it! The end!
DK: It's an invasion!
DK and Diddy: They're gonna zomibify us!
Cranky: I'll smackify the both of ya unless you knock off the Science-Fictional nonsense.
DK: Do your zombie worst! No interplanetary visitor dude mind vibe can control my mind!
Cranky: No kidding! They'll never be able to find it!
Donkey Kong 64
"I could defeat him single-handedly of course, but then you wouldn't have a game to play would you?"
"I knew they'd have to have something like this. The Kongs will be so weighed down with all the garbage they have to collect, I can't see them getting past the second level. You can view all this silly nonsense and some other stuff I don't understand by pressing START during your game."
"Now where did they put the level I designed? Hmm... I can't seem to find it. It was called the 'Great Girder Grapple' as I remember. Oooh, I must have spent at least 3 minutes working on it. I even drew them a fancy little picture. Bah! It must have been too good for them. The kids would have refused to play their fancy 3-D levels once they'd gotten a taste of my 2-D girder action! Don't give up hope though; they might have hidden it somewhere like a priceless gem, hoping that no one will ever find it..."
"Elsewhere [in Gloomy Galleon], you'll find a hulking structure that's a bit dim and doesn't work. Yes, I know you already know about Chunky, but this is also true of a eerie lighthouse. Let's see if you can get them both working and be of some use."
"Tough luck kid. I've been told to keep my mouth shut, as they want to keep all the good stuff for a money-making strategy guide. I'm sure some of it will appear on the newfangled 'internet' thing as well, so I suggest you take a look-see there. You could also ask your friends, assuming of course you've got any. If all else fails, you'll just have to play better."
"Troff's a pig, Scoff's a hippo, and both are big, slow, and useless."
"The best switch is the one on top of your N64, as you can turn off your silly 3-D adventure and let me get some sleep."
"Funky stocks the following shooters, all of which can hopefully be upgraded, if you can get that far into the game without falling asleep."
"I can't be bothered to tell you any more [about Snide], so you'll have to ask him what he's doing in this game when you meet him."
"[DK is] the leader of this mangy bunch and tells me that he has learned a whole new bunch of 'mean, reptile-stomping' moves. I doubt whether they will be any better than his old ones, but we shall see, shan't we?"
"[Diddy is] quick, nimble and courageous but still a bit of a lightweight when compared to my fine physique. He's also got this new-fangled thing he calls a Jetbarrel, but it sounds like nothing more than a lot of hot air to me."
"Tiny can also shrink in size--although I reckon that one's nothing more than a marketing gimmick and won't even be in the game!"
"Those silly stretchy arms give [Lanky] plenty of potential, but I'm sure he'll be too busy clowning around to be of much use."
"Just remember that we rightfully expect our expertise to be rewarded, so do collect a good haul of Banana Bunch Coins before you even think about disturbing me, won't you?"
"My powerful potions will give you abilities you've never dreamed of and certainly don't deserve, assuming of course you can afford my modest asking fee. Now don't you go asking me for a potion of gameplay, as even my genius can't rescue this game from its rightful destiny in the bargain bin."
"Also found in the level lobbies, the information concealed behind these [Wrinkly doors] should be used as a last resort only. (Or as a first resort if you are a really poor player.)"
Diddy Kong Pilot (2003 build)
"Well, well... I didn't think you had it in you, but you actually proved you could do it..."
"The Boss Race is now ready to try... Select that Kremlings' ugly face from the Cups screen and show 'em what we're made of..."
"This is time to teach that stupid Kremling a lesson. Go out and show him who's boss..."
"Don't even think about coming back 'till you've beaten him."
"That wasn't too difficult was it? Get on and race the rest of them, nothing is going to happen until you beat all four"
"Let's see how good you are. I've left six coins on each track and you need to collect them all and still beat me in a race..."
"Think you are up for it? You don't stand a chance."
"Before we start, lets get a few things straight.... You are racing for the pride of Team Kong, don't let us down..."
"I did not suffer those interminable amounts of monotonous gameplay for you to blow it all now. Each cup is made of four races."
"If you win, then you need to go head to head against a Kremling to show them who's boss..."
"Look out for the Target Balloons... Shoot them and a secret boost will appear... fly right through it and something special will happen..."
Think you can handle it? I very much doubt it."
Pah! That's enough of that! My boys are going to start taking this seriously now... Enough of this impendence..."